TRYING TO BAN WORK ROMANCE IS LIKE TRYING TO BAN CHRISTMAS

The relationship between affair partners at work can be as wide as intern and president; company CEO and member of the board; supervisor and supervisee; company representative and client; boss and secretary, but what if relations appear to be an office romance between two of them?

Office romances are generally believed to be unhelpful to the welfare and effectiveness of the business and to the network of relationships that comprise it. They contain the potential for abuse, alliance, and distraction. Thus they are discouraged and even prohibited in some company policy. Describing an office relationship as a romance can be cover for a form of workplace bullying. Public displays of affection can result in workplace conflict as it can make co-workers uncomfortable.

The suspicion that an advantage is gained by 'sleeping with the boss' in a competitive environment ensures that these transactions occur by stealth. To have a powerful influence on the opportunities placed in one's path; one does not have to engage in sexual intercourse. A special relationship could be enough to gain leverage where business opportunities are in short supply. This fuzzy boundary can be nuanced by practiced players in order to provide deniability when required. Neither does one have to be directly involved in the affair for the knowledge of it to be useful currency — discretion in exchange for advantage.

However, some possibly beneficial effects of office romances have also been identified, including the potential to motivate those in the relationship, lead them to spend more time at work, improve the quality of their work, and reduce their absenteeism.

Is office romance too hot to handle? You might think so watching the current Red Cross scandal unfold, in which Mark Everson, the organization's married president, was forced to resign because of his affair with a subordinate. He took the challenging job only six months ago.

Everson, a former corporate executive and IRS commissioner, assumed the Red Cross post May 29 as the charity sought to restructure itself and bolster its image following criticism of its response to Hurricane Katrina.

The Red Cross said its board of governors asked for and received Everson's resignation, effective immediately, after being notified about 10 days ago by a senior executive at the national office about Everson's relationship with a woman on the staff. The woman's name was not released.

"The board acted quickly after learning that Mr. Everson engaged in a personal relationship with a subordinate employee," a statement said. "It concluded that the situation reflected poor judgment on Mr. Everson's part and diminished his ability to lead the organization in the future."

The Red Cross also released a statement from Everson, 53, who is married and has two children.

"I am resigning for personal and family reasons, and deeply regret it is impossible for me to continue a job so recently undertaken," he said. "I leave with extraordinary admiration for the American Red Cross."

According to the statistics there are 20 million office romances going on in the United States alone. In its 2003 nationwide survey Vault found that 47 percent of workers have participated in an office romance and an additional 19 percent would be willing to do so if the opportunity arose. Vault's 2003 Office Romance Survey is based on responses from over 1,000 professionals at companies nationwide. In addition, 13 percent of respondents said their employer had a policy regarding office dating, 51 percent said their company has no policy, and 36 percent said they didn't know whether one existed.

According to Stephanie Losee and Helaine Olen, co-authors of Office Mate: The Employee Handbook for Finding and Managing Romance on the Job, the workplace is a terrify place to find a honey. They also argue that offices are happy hunting grounds for singles in search of relationships.

Helaine Olen: “People always hear the horror stories about love on the job. They don't hear how successful it is. When we began to research the book, we were as shocked as anyone to discover that about half of all Americans at some point in their career will date on the job, and one in five of them will end up in a long-term relationship. But that news doesn't get out there. The news that gets out there is when a scandal happens.”

Stephanie Losee talks about the Red Cross situation if it's still too risky to get involved with someone in your own office: “What this proves is that a leader's personal conduct is more important than any success he has in leading the organization. And I think that is a problem in our society right now. What the board did when they fired him was signal that all of his wins as head of the Red Cross, the way in which he has turned around the organization, the six months of good notices that he had received, not to mention the 18-month investment that the board made in the hiring process trying to find just the right person for the job, was less important than his distasteful personal behavior. There was another way to signal their disapproval than firing him and starting over. They could have sanctioned him. They could have signaled their public disapproval...There are a lot of CEOs out there who lose hundreds of millions of dollars of shareholder money, and they're not fired. But if they have an extramarital affair — goodbye, Charlie.”

In a 2003 survey of over 390 managers and executives last year by the American Management Association, 30 percent said they had dated a co-worker, and two-thirds said they approved of employees' dating in the workplace. Of those 67 percent, 96 percent said it was okay to date co-workers, and 24 percent said it was okay for employees to date their bosses.

Notwithstanding of negatives; romance is as much a part of office life as coffee machines. Many employers have discovered that trying to ban work romances is like trying to ban Christmas. It’s not even necessary. More people meet their partners at work than anywhere else and most workplace romances don't cause problems.

The key to successful office romance, whether it lasts or not, is how you handle it at work. It isn’t easy bringing together two areas of your life: work and relationships. It often requires juggling, discretion and patience. But it can be done, without rocking any corporate boats. Here’s how:

Thinking about it

So you fancy someone and you’re trying to decide whether to take it any further? The rule for success here is, Go Slowly. Think about who this person is at work. There’s no point dating a cut-throat man who fires people at the drop of a hat, and then wondering how you lost your job after he dumped you. Get real about who the person is and whether you like and trust them.
If you decide to go ahead, Be Wise. Don’t use the email system or hang around the object of your desire’s office or desk. A discreet phone call suggesting a drink after work is better. If they say no, accept it. Never pester. If they say yes, then meet well away from the office, out of work hours.

Romance has blossomed

Resist the impulse to walk around at work with a huge, smug grin on your face. Remember to Be Discreet. This means don’t gossip about it, snog your new love in the office, try to meet behind the filing cabinets – or anywhere else and, above all, don’t practice favoritism.

Accept that people are going to know. Be honest.’ Yes, I’m seeing him’ – and leave it at that. With no gossip to fuel it, interest will soon die down.

It’s looking good

You’ve passed the initial hurdles – office troublemaker predicting doom, office gossip telling you about your new love’s last three relationships – and you reckon you’re in this for the long run. You can still work together as long as you Stay Professional, that is, get your jobs done as well or better than before, don’t make eyes at each other or have sex across your desk (ever) and remain two separate people at work.

It didn’t work out

You dumped him and can’t stand the sight of him now. Or perhaps he dumped you and you’re hurting like hell. And you have to go on seeing him at work. At this stage avoid drama and Resist Revenge. This includes everything from telling everyone what a hopeless lover he was to criticizing his work. Doing this will only make you look bad.

Stick pins into his image at home if you want to, but at work behave beautifully. Smile, be polite, avoid talking about it to anyone and show the world – including him – that you’re over it and you’ve moved on.

If things don't work out, transform your break-up into a bonus.

P.S. Helaine Olen has been questioned what if she falls in love in the office with someone who is married?

Helaine answered: “A huge, huge no-no. I would say that's probably a bad idea, whether it takes place in an office or not. But certainly in an office, please, please don't go there.”